alaice’s cradle

Dahil sa tindi ng kahirapan sa probinsya, namasukan si
Inday

bilang katulong sa Maynila. Habang ini-interview ng
amo…

 

Amo: Kelangan
namin ng katulong pra mag-ayus ng bahay, magluto,

maglaba,
magplants, mamalengke, at magbntay ng mga bata. Kaya mo

ba ang lahat ng
ito?

 

Inday: I
believe that my trained skills and expertise in

management
withthe use of standard tools, and my discipline and

experience
willcontribute significantly to the value of the work

that you
want,my creativity, productivity and work-efficiency and

the highquality
of outcomes I can offer will boost the work

progress.

 

Amo:
[nosebleed]

 

 

Nakaraan ang dalawang araw, umuwi ang amo,
nakitang me bukol si

junior.

 

Amo: Bakit me
bukol si junior?

 

Inday: Compromising
safety with useless aesthetics, the not-so

well
engineered architectural design of our kitchen lavatory

affected the
boy’s cranium with a slight boil at the left temple

near the
auditory organ.

 

Amo:
[nosebleed ulit]

 

 

Kinagabihan, habang naghahapunan.

 

Amo: Bakit
maalat ang ulam?

 

Inday: The
consistency was fine. But you see, it seems that the

increased
amount of sodium chloride (NaCl) affected the taste

drastically
and those actions are irreversible. I do apologize.

 

Amo:
[nosebleed na naman]

 

Donya: Bakit
tuwing paguwi ko, nadadatnan kitang nanunuod ng tv?!

 

Inday:
Because I don’t want you to see me doing absolutely nothing.

 

Donya:
[hinimatay]

 

 

Kinabukasan, sinamahan ni Inday si junior sa
principal’s office

dahil di makapunta ang amo at donya.

 

Principal:
Sinuntok ni junior ang kanyang kaklase.

 

Inday: It’s
absurd! It was never a fact that he will inflict a fight.

I can only
imagine how you handle schizophrenic kids on this

educational
institution. Revise your policies because they suck!

 

Principal:
[nag resign]

 

Pag dating sa bahay, nandun na ang amo, galit na
galit.

 

Amo: Inday,
bakit nagkalat ang basura sa likod ng bahay?!

 

Inday: A
change in the weather patterns might have occurred

wrecking
havoc to the surroundings. The way the debris are scattered

indicates
that the gust of wind was going northeast causing damage

to the path
it was heading for.

 

Amo:
[nosebleed ulit]

 

 

Habang nagluluto si Inday ng hapunan, malikot si
junior.

 

Inday: Stop
your raucous behavior. It is bound to result in

property
damages and if that happens there will be corresponding

punishment to
be inflicted upon you!

 

Junior:
[takbo sa CR, punasan ang nagdudugong ilong]

 

Pagkatapos magluto, nanood na ng TV si Inday.
Nabalitaan nya

umalis si Angel Locsin sa GMA 7.

 

Junior: Bakit
kaya sya umalis?

 

Inday:
Sometimes, people choose to leave not because of selfish

reasons but
because they just know that things will get worse if

they’ll stay.
Leaving can be a tough act, and it’s harder when

people can’t
understand you for doing so.

 

Junior:
[tuloy ang pagdugo ng ilong]

 

Nung gabing yon, me nag text ke Inday. Si Dodong,
ang driver

ng kapitbahay, gusto maki pag text-mate.

 

Inday: To
forestall further hopes of acquaintance, my unfathomable

statement to
the denial of your request - Petition denied.

 

Di nagla-on, dahil sa tyaga ni Dodong, nagging
syota nya rin si

Inday.

 

I am
solitary. I find it hard to succumb into slumber. Though the downpour of rain
should’ve made it easy. This exuberent emotional glue i

have for
you,cannot be simply washed away. The multiplicity of what i feel for you is
inevitable. This isn’t platonic. It’s real, true romance

- INDAY, nag eemote sa may bintana, habang iniisip
si dodong,ang bf nia..

 

Pero di
tumagal ang kanilang relasyon, at nakipag-break

si Inday ke Dodong.

 

Inday: The
statute restricts me to love you but you have the

provocations.
The way you smile is the proximate cause why I

love you. We
have some rules to think of. We have no vested rights to

love each
other because the upper household dismissed my petition!"

 

Dodong:
Perhaps you are mistaken, what you seem to contrive as

any
affections for you are somewhat half-hearted. I was merely

attempting to
expand my network of interests by involving you in my daily

recreation.
Heretofor, you can expect an end to any verbal articulation from myself"

 

Me dumaan na mamang basurero, at narinig ang
usapan ni Inday at Dodong.

 

Basurero
(sabi ke Inday): Be careful in letting go of the things

you thought
are just nothing because maybe someday you’ll realize

that the one
you gave away is the very thing you’ve been wishing

for to stay.

 

Narinig ang lahat ng eto ng amo ni inday.

 

Amo:
[hinimatay]

 

 

You’ll never
know wat u have til it’s gone… And once u loose it, u can never get it
back….

-si Inday na isnatchan sa quiapo!!!

 

"Nurture
others with positive truthful words, not words that hurt. It doesn’t cost anything
to do so. But mean what you say, and say what you mean. Do it everyday. This is
one of the most obvious qualities of the most beloved people. If you cannot be
generous financially, at least be generous with your words."

-sagot ni inday sa amo nya na di xa pinautang at
minura-mura pa!

 

Amo: Inday
bumili ka nga ng mga isda, ay oo nga pala, inglesera ka na ngayon, would you
please buy many fishes for this week’s meals?

 

Inday:
Judging by your statement, I believe you meant a variety of fish. The term
fishes though rarely used, connotes a plethora of different kinds of the said
gilled aquatic creatures. But the most pressing question before I go to the wet
market would be: what type of fish? Fillet or not? Frozen or fresh? (pauses)
Ahh…given the meager budget afforded by this household’s quasi-peasant class
taste, I assume I shall source the staple "galewng-gong". Yes?

Amo:
Eh kung mag-empake ka na kaya?!

 

"Ipomea
aquatica has become the constant ingredient to this Filipino delicacy which is
very helpful in the digestion during the peristaltic process of the food we
intake. Due to the continuous rain and floods, the harvest of the said
vegetable has lessen the production in the market"

- sagot ni inday samin kung bakit walang KangKong
sa nilutong sinigang

 

Heavy fire
exerted by the stimulus affected the best conductor of heat which is the
steel,causing the Oriza Sativa to change it’s state of color,smell as well as
the taste."

-sagot ni inday ng tanungin siya ng amo kung bakit
nasunog ang sinaing.

 

"potatoes, wen consumed n der raw state,
r rapidly converted 2 glucose dat raises insulin leve;s bcoz of its simple
sugar…wen cooked in high temperature lyk french fries, dey produce large
amoun of free radicals n d body causing aging, clotting, inflammation, cancer,
w8 gai… 1 french fry is worse dan 1 cigarette

- inday
(sagot nya sa amo nung tanungin xa kung bakit di sya nagluto ng french
fries)nuritionist din pala si inday

 

Drunken
shrimp and blue lobster meat with caviar served with milagrosa rice (red
variety) and apricot sauce..

Vegetables
in balsamic vinegar splashed with extra virgin olive oil..

Lychee and
peach salad with sour cream and cream cheese topped with lemon zests..

—mga baon ni junjun sa daycare na inihanda ni
Inday. SOSYAL!!!

 

Listening to
the nonsense talk about someone’s life is a pathetic way of entertainment..it
doesn’t contribute to the good of society..i hate character assassinators!..

- reklamo ni inday nang natsismis siya ng
kapitbahay.

 

" I stay
awake in the coldness of the darkened sky contemplating why, for some reasons,
has my emptinessmade itself manifests, extending to that niche where i wasgiven
life and growth, that because of austerity i was made seperated from…."

-INDAY habang ndi makatulog dahil na-ho-homesick .
d=D

 

 

Dear Mom,

Had i not been able to smell the salt, i must have
collapsed moments ago. Junior has become a little monster to me. Remember the
head

accident he had? As if it wasn’t enough, he was
summoned by the principal of hil shabilly runned academe. Oh, such an erudite
bunch of

baboons! I never though being a governess can be
such strenuous employ!

Your daughter,Inday

 

Dear Inday,

Walanghiya ka! Magpadala ka ng pera! Nasa ospital
ang nanay mo, dumugo ang ilong pagkabasa ng pesteng sulat mo!

–TATAY

 

 

Ich bin jetzt
berühmt geworden dürch diesen Pexer.Mach weiter so,das gefällt mir!!!

(nging sikat
aq ngayon gwa ng pexer,pgpatuloy ninyo gusto ko yan)

—Si Inday marunong din pala maggerman!!

 

 

 

Nasali si Inday sa Deal or No Deal

 

Kris: Magandang gabi mga kapamilya, sa gameshow na ito importante
ang sagot sa nag-iisang katanungang Deal or no Deal. Ang ating player ngayong
gabi ay walang iba kundi ang fastest-rising household services manager na si
Inday!

[umentra si Inday at nagpalakpakan
ang mga tao]

Kris: Ok Inday, choose a briefcase.

Inday: Kris, I would opt for case #4 please.

Kris: Briefcase # 4… si Sharmel. Inday, matanong ko lang, how did
you come up with the number 4?

Inday: Oh, do you really want to know Kris?

Kris: Oo naman. I’m sure kaya ko naman maintindihan yung
sasabihin mo eh.

Inday: The number 4 was acquired based on a probability
distribution function that involves integrating up to an area greater than or
equal to that random number which should be generated between 0 and 1 for
proper distributions.

Kris: Syet. tanong tanong pa kasi eh.

 

Nasali si Inday sa Deal or No Deal Part 2

 

Kris: Ok Inday, choose 6 briefcases to open.

Inday: I would opt for 7, 24, 12, 2, 15 and 20.

Kris: Wait lang Inday, usually isa isa lang ang pagbubukas natin
ng case…

Inday: Why is that? As if I can change the outcome if we’re to
open a case each time I blurt out a number as opposed to opening each case
immediately one after the other right?

Kris: Hayyy…babaguhin pa talaga mechanics (bulong sa sarili).

Kris: Anwyay, di bale na lang nga… tuloy tayo. Number 7.
Natalie buksan na!!

[Yung audience sumisigaw ng LOWER!!
LOWER!!!]

Kris: Teka lang, bago natin buksan… Inday, usually ang mga
contestants naten ay sumisigaw ng “LOWER” every time magbubukas ng case.

Inday: Kris, I guess that’s not the way I was taught in grade
school. You see, I was taught that we should only use the comparative form of
the word or add “ER” to the adjective if we are comparing two things. And since
it is only the first briefcase that we are going to open, we have nothing to
compare it to. Am I right?

[natahimik ang audience at napaisip]

Kris: Oo nga no!

 

Nasali si Inday sa Deal or No Deal Part 3

 

Kris: Sige Natalie, Buksan mo na.

[Ang laman ng briefcase 7 ay Piso…
Palakpakan ang mga tao]

Kris: Good start! Ano yung next case mo ulit?

Inday: Case number 24 please.

Kris: Chloe… buksan na…

[Audience sumisigaw ulit ng LOWER!!
LOWER!!]

Kris: Wait lang guys, Inday may nabuksan ng case baket di ka pa
rin sumisigaw ng “Lower”?

Inday: Oh my goodness Kris, how long have you been doing this?
Have you ever encountered a value that is lower than a peso in this game? Tell
me, is there any value left lower than the one we just opened? Sheesh.

[Napaisip ulit ang audience at
natahimik]

Kris: Aarrgghh!!!! Chloe buksan na lang nga, pati na rin yung 12,
2, 15 and 20 buksan na rin para matapos na. [naiirita na]

[At sunod sunod na ngang nabukas ang
mga case ni Inday]

[nag-ring ang phone]

Inday: Ahh Kris, to save more time can you tell Banker that I’m not
interested in his first offer. In the history of this game of chance, I have
yet to see someone accept a first offer from the banker. It’s quite pathetic
and pretentious for contestants to pause and look around the audience as if
asking for advice before ultimately rejecting the first offer. I mean come on,
isn’t that a waste of airtime?

Banker: Potahhh!!! [narinig sa set kahit sarado ang kwarto ni
banker]

- Ito ang unang pagkakataon na
marinig ng mga audience ang boses ni banker sa Deal or no Deal.

<susundan…>

 

Paalam ni Inday para mag-CR

 

“May I be rightfully permitted to
humbly abscond from the parameters of this teritorial space fOr the necessary
reasOn that I am in dismal requirement to suitably discharge these quantities
of impurities within my functioning physical
system?”

- ganyan magpaalam si Inday tuwing
pupunta sa CR nung sya’y nag-aaral pa

 

Sumulat ang isang alumni ng UST kay Inday

Hey Inday, your Thomasian colleague
here, Iñigo. The College is currently distributing questionnaires and forms requesting
information regarding the Alumnus whereabouts and accomplishments. I already
informed the administrators of your hectic schedule so you might just want to
update your online Biodata and I’ll do the rest (so you can focus on tutoring
your ‘alaga’).

Please include your BA in English
and Literature (Oxford) in your updated Biodata… I believe it’s such an
accomplishment.

Regards to Ikling and Itoy. I
haven’t heard from them for awhile.

- Iñigo

P.S.: Don’t forget all your titles (Atty., BSN, RN, MS, MAN,
DNE, etc.)

 

Sinumpong
si Junior

Amo: Inday, nganu gipasagdan man nimo si Junior nga pirti man
ning tsabaw?

Inday: Sir, according to Erik Erikson’s psychosocial theory of
growth and development, toddlers normally exhibit temper tantrums to express
emotions such as anxiety. And the best intervention is to ignore the situation.
However, one should provide safety to avoid danger during their tantrums.

Amo: pag churoi!

 

Elevator

Isinama si Inday ng kanyang among
babae sa isang hotel. Pumasok sila sa elevator.

Kuya Operator: Good morning ladies!

Ngkatitigan si kuya Operator at si
Inday.

Napangiti si Inday.

Kuya Operator: I like your smile..

Nag-blush si Inday, halatang
kinilig.

And for the 1st time, hindi sya
nakapagsalita.. Hehehe..

 

Nainggit si Simang sa kasikatan nila Inday at Ederlyn

Do I have to reiterate as often as
possible that my the anatomical structure of the two inferior domesticated
wannabes are far worse than the aesthetics of my feline pet named Galandra?
Obviouly these friggin’ she-hawks are just trying to seize the attention of the
masses: trying hard social climber impotents.”

 

Tumawag
si Pacquiao

(Pacquiao’s calling)

Inday: Gunaydin! (Good morning in
Turkish)

Pacquiao: Hilow! Is Mr. Montinigru
ober dir? I want to jas know ip can he be here to catch me in di ring por di
fight? I can be winning. Im not to be in di lose.

Inday: ha? (nosebleed)

-na knockout sa Inglis ni Manny! Sa
wakas natalo rin si Inday.

 

Presscon

Sometimes you just can’t tell
someone how you feel, not because you dont trust them, and not because they
will think that you’re weird but because you can never really find the right
words to make them understand. It makes you frustrated. People take things 100
different ways, and that’s why it’s so hard.

- yan ang sabi ni Inday sa press
nung nagpatawag sya ng presscon tungkol sa kanyang pagkakabaril.

 

Heaven:

San Pedro: Inday, ba’t ka namatay?

Inday: Damn that envious boss of mine. If
it wasn’t for her, that bullet wouldn’t have damage the blood vessels in my
brain which caused severe hemorrhage and broth me to a state of hypovolemic shock.
Unfortunately, those incompetent doctors and nurses weren’t able to help me so I
had to face the wrath of death. So my body went through algor, livor and rigor mortis.

San Pedro: (nosebleed)

—Inday was sent back to earth

 

WHAT’S IN #7???

Why is it God’s perfect #?

When in fact, 7 is an odd #!

Just think…

 

There are 7 days a week

7 wonders of the world

In the bible, you must forgive a person
70×7.

Even the word forgive has 7 letters

The rainbow has 7 colors

& the word “RAINBOW” has 7 letters

Even the word promise.

Maybe, God designed it.

For event the word

MYSTERY has 7 letters…

 

And now,

Use OLAY TOTAL EFFECTS

To fight the

7 signs of skin aging

 

—Inday (naga-apply na endorser ng OLAY